Dr Blowhole's Farting Problem
by Blowholeluvsme2296
Summary: This is basically a little tale about Dr. Blowhole having gas that lasts for days. But the question is: will this little cutie pie find a cure, or is he doomed to fart forever?
1. One Gassy Morning

The morning dawn crept over the volcano lair on tiptoes like a luminescent ballerina, shining its golden light down into the hole t the top, which shone on the face of the cutest little dolphin ever, who was Dr. Blowhole. As he slept, his little tummy gurgled and made noises. When he awoke, he turned over to get out of bed, BUT! Right when he did, he let out a huge toot that shook the volcano lair. Giggling and blushing in embarrassment, he went downstairs.

When he went down to the bathroom to get his face cleaned, he let out two little silent-but-deadlies which then made the minion become stiff and topple over the sink, the washcloth still in his claw. Blowhole then left the room to get his breakfast, which was a giant bucket of mackerel. No sooner had the last fish gone in his mouth, his bowels rumbled and a massive power fart ripped from under him, which sounded like a bomb and a tuba going off all at once, breaking a picture window behind him.

"Oh Neptune damn it," moaned Blowhole. "Another $1000 out of my back pocket down the drain."

Suddenly, he let out a toot which went from very loud to wet and then ending in a soft hiss. "Oh my Neptune!" he cried. "Why in the world am I so gassy?!"

"Probably the mackerel," giggled a Red One.

"It's not funny," Blowhole snarled over a humongous toot, "but I will find out the cause of this soon!"


	2. When Gas Attacks!

Blowhole pretty much muddled through the day, his tummy rumbling, groaning and feeling like he ate a Macy's parade float, for he, out of consideration for his minions, held in the gas for a while, and time had passed since he begun. Ten minutes...one hour...two hours...three hours...four...

By the fifth hour, he felt he could not contain it anymore and so he drove off the the bathroom, closed the door, and let a very loud, very raunchy and very deep-toned fart rip. It was SO loud that it shook the lair, rattled the vanity, cracked the mirror and toilet (which dissolved into little bitty pieces) and disturbed every minion in the building. He felt his tummy physically deflating, a sign of great relief. Sighing deeply, Blowhole took a can of air freshener (for while he had no olfactory bulb, he knew his toots were going to smell bad) and sprayed it all over the bathroom. He came out, feeling a little better than before, albeit not much.

Later, he was up in his room, letting tons of gas fly. From high-pitched trumpets to low tubas to hisses, the cacophony of dolphin farts seemed endless, going on for hours, getting on the nerves of everyone in the lair. Meanwhile, Rhonda the Walrus was spying through the keyhole, feeling herself getting wet from every toot Blowhole let go of. Back in his room, Dr. Blowhole sighed with relief as every last fart ripped through his big, silver butt.


	3. Blowhole's Gas Attack Goes Viral

The next day, Dr. Blowhole prayed to Neptune with all his might that his gas attacks would be over. Suddenly, he had an urge to fart right at the end of his third prayer, so he turned onto his belly and farted so hugely that the bed covers sailed off of him and levitated there for two minutes before falling back on him with a thump. He got up and wondered if he should get someone to help him. He decided to drive over to the nurse minion's clinic and ask for help, though he felt embarrassed to do so for these reasons: A), the clinic was populated by _women_ (that is, female lobsters), B), he so hated to toot in front of women, and C), he just didn't like to cut the cheese in front of people. So, ever so reluctantly, he drove to the clinic, holding his gas in as much as he could until he got down there.

"Red One," he whispered to a standing-by nurse minion. "I need to see you quickly."

"OK, doc," the nurse cooed to Blowhole, "what's wrong. sweetie?"

Blowhole blushed bright red. "Well, I, uh..." he felt his tummy growling. "It's...it's my stomach."

"What's it feel like?" she asked, having him lie on his back. However, before he could respond, the nurse had pressed right on his tummy button and caused him to unleash a massive fart that dissolved the medical wing. The nurse keeled over in a dead faint and then Blowhole drove away as fast as he could.

Meanwhile, back at the Penguin's HQ, Rico was laughing his head off.

"What are you cracking up about there, Rico?" asked Skipper, who had waddled over to him.

"ABABABLALALBABALBLALBLADAAAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Rico in his usual gibberish as he handed his iPhone to Skipper.

Skipper watched as the medical wing at Blowhole's volcano lair crumbled into a fine powder after a sound like a tuba with the volume of an exploding bomb sounded, then burst out into hysterical laughter.

"Put it on Youtube," giggled Skipper. "I just wanna see Blowhole's face! I'll bet it's him though. I heard he became a HUGE gasbag."

"I heard," came Private's very timid voice. "I mean, what in the world did he eat? Peanut butter burritos?!"


	4. DUN DUN DUN!

The next morning, Blowhole's gas attack had softened somewhat, but now he was letting loose very loud, high-pitched squeakers the seemed to echo through the volcano lair. Today, he decided to travel about in his submarine base in the hopes of finding Skipper, for he found the video about him disintegrating the medical wing and, well, pretty much saw red.

In the submarine lair, Blowhole had almost nil privacy other than that of his teeny-tiny bedroom and an even teenier bathroom, where he had to squeeze himself into just to use the bathroom. _Why, _he used to think, _didn't my red ones think about my bodily issues BEFORE they built the sub?!_ Needless to say he knew he should not go crying over spilt milk, just because he knew that it cost him $15,000 out of his butt (pardon the pun) to make the sub.

So anyway, when he entered the submarine lair, he was giving orders to his minions when his tummy gave a low growl. "Oh crap, not now," he mumbled to himself, squeezing his silver butt to hold in the gas. Thankfully, the minions didn't notice a single thing, and only one particular hench-woman knew what was going on: Rhonda the walrus.

She watched Blowhole, who looked more and more uncomfortable as time passed on.

"Are you OK?" she asked him, making Blowhole's cheeks (I mean his face!) turn the hue of roses.

"I'm fine," he said to her over a gentle but ominous grumbling in his tummy.

"Are you sure?" Rhonda asked him again, looking askance at his bloated belly.

"I said I'm fine," Blowhole snapped.

Suddenly, he let out a little toot that sounded like a hiss with hints of trumpet. None of the minions noticed but Blowhole was dreadfully embarrassed.

Rhonda's face broke into a wide grin. "Oh," she said. "_now_ I know what's up. You're gassy!"

"You said that loudly enough for everyone to hear!" Blowhole snarled, turning crimson.

"Oh, come on, Doc, lighten up," Rhonda said chirpily. "Your butt is noisy, but NOT AS LOUD AS MY BUTT!" She suddenly announced.

All twenty-eight of the minions looked sharply up and, suspecting nothing, went back to their work.

"That's quite crude," Blowhole said softly, "and you know that, Rhonda."

"C'mon," she said. "I'm just trying to help you feel better!"

Blowhole sighed and left. BUT! As he was leaving the room, his intestines grumbled.

"Oh no..." Blowhole said to himself, frantically holding his butt-cheeks closed. Alas, it was of no use...

_**PPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTT!**_

A massive fart he just ripped shook the submarine, jarring all the minions out of their seats like a level 6 earthquake would have done.

"Oh my neptune!"

"Who the hell did that?!"

"It smells so bad!"

The cacophony of the minions squawking and complaining of the stench was enough to drive Blowhole to his teeny little room, where he closed the door, lay on his bed, and wept in sheer mortification.


	5. Guy's Day of Pooting

The next day, Blowhole decided that he wanted to hang out with his friends, The Rat King and Barry, a tiny poison dart frog. He picked up his cell phone and called the Rat King.

"This is the Rat King," said a grunting voice in the phone.

"Hello, Rat King, this is Dr. Blowhole," Blowhole said. "I just called you to see if you'd like to hang out with me."

"I'd love to! What do you want to do?"

"I'm open to anything you'd like to do," Blowhole said happily.

Afterward, he called Barry the poison dart frog, who happily agreed to hang out with his buddy. Next thing you know, the three villains were at the movie theater, the Rat King paying for the tickets to Awesome-Man 2 and Barry paying for the popcorn.

In the movie theater, the three villains shared the popcorn bucket with each other, Blowhole relishing its buttery taste. However, halfway through the movie, his tummy began to gurgle.

_Oh no, _Blowhole thought. _Not in front of my friends! Not where humans are listening! _He felt gas coming and quickly squeezed his rear to hold it in while the Rat King and Barry were watching the screen, paying no attention to Blowhole. Suddenly, his tummy gave two very high-pitched whistles, which he was sure they could hear. Thank goodness they didn't hear anything, so Blowhole quietly got up and went to the men's bathroom.

The minute he shut himself in there, he unleashed a massive fart, rumbling and low-pitched, which reverberated through the movie theater. Barry jumped a mile high in his seat, spilling his water. "What the hell was that?!" he almost cried out.

"It's just a movie," the Rat King whispered, not paying any attention whatsoever.

Meanwhile, Blowhole was farting up a storm in the men's, stinking up the place little by little.

"Oh good Neptune," he moaned, letting a massive ripper tear out of his bottom. "I will never eat any kind of popcorn from this place ever again!" His tummy rumbled and several more farts exploded from his rear, echoing around the theater, men gaping at the closed stall that Blowhole was hiding in. They had never heard, or seen, anything quite like that.


	6. Epic Fail for the Rat King

The Rat King and Barry left the movie halfway through it, for it was that bad.

"Darn it, and I thought the sequel to Awesome-Man would be even BETTER than this!" moaned Barry.

"I'm with you," answered the Rat King. "I wish Awesome-Man would develop a bit more. He was such a crybaby in that movie."

"Well, no use complaining," Barry said, shaking his head disconsolately. "Anyway, you know where Blowhole went?"

Their question was answered when a loud sound, a like a tuba blown in mud, came from the men's bathroom.

"Holy crap, what was that?!" cried the Rat King. He immediately rushed to the bathroom, Barry having to long hop to keep up, until he stopped at the third stall door. "Blowhole!" he shouted, rapping on the door. "Are you OK in there?"

"Don't come in! PLEASE don't come in!" was the very frantic reply.

The Rat King barely opened his mouth when Blowhole unleashed a huge power fart, causing the stall door to fall atop of him, where his arms and legs stuck out on either side.

"Oh...my..." began Barry, but looked up and saw a mortified and suffering Dr. Blowhole, who was getting back up off the toilet.

"Are you OK?" Barry asked. "We thought there was a gassy hippo back here!"

Blowhole opened his mouth to reply, but then...

_**VVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!**_

This toot was so powerful that it blew the movie theater apart.

Moments later, a reporter came on.

"This is Chuck Charles speaking, I got a report that the movie theater was destroyed by a mysterious explosion! Most mysterious, isn't it! In fact, it was SO mysterious, no one really knew what it was! Oh, here's my first interviewee!" He approached a frightened looking young man. "What can you say about this odd thing?"

"Well," the young man said, tugging at his hood, "I just kept hearing these massive farts in the men's john...I have no clue what the heck they were!" He sighed. "Could've been my dad..._his _farts were always so loud..."


	7. The Penguin's New Song

Meanwhile, the Penguins were watching the movie theater blow apart in an explosion to end all explosions. Rico and Kowalski were in sheer hysterics, Private was rolling around and Skipper was having a fit. When the video ended, Skipper suddenly had an idea come to mind.

"Hey boys," Skipper said. "I learned this new song called 'Going Down the Highway' from Julien. He said it was hilarious! Maybe we could send a video of our singing it to Blowhole, just kinda torment him a little."

And with that, Skipper cleared his throat and burst into song:

_Going down the highway, highway 64_

_Blowhole blew a big one and blew us out the door_

_The lair began to shake_

_It almost fell apart_

_All because of Blowhole's supersonic fart!_

There was silence.

"Is that it?" asked Private.

"Ah, we can improv our own lines," Skipper said with a grin. "Any ideas for the next verse?"

"Uh, how about...'going down the hallway' and 'the school began to shake'?" suggested Kowalski.

"Since when do we go to school, Kowalski?" asked Skipper.

"Or maybe we COULD do 'going down the driveway' and say 'the world began to shake, and then it blew apart,'" suggested Private.

Skipper ruminated over the prospect. "Alright, sounds good, Private!"

And then, with a very maniacal laugh, he set out to improv the best lyrics to the most hilarious song EVER.


	8. The Day of Epic and Utter Humiliation

Meanwhile, back at the Coney Island lair, Blowhole was working on his computer, feeling rather abashed at having destroyed a movie theater by the power of his own gas. He wondered how he could possibly be having this problem. Perhaps he indulged in one burrito too many back in Chipotle the other night, but he just wasn't certain. Suddenly, his computer dinged.

"Hmmm," Blowhole said as he pulled up an email. "What's this?"

He opened the email, and much to his horror, it contained a video of the four penguins singing. But, they weren't just singing an ordinary song.

_Going down the highway, highway 64_

_Blowhole blew a big one _

_And blew us out the door_

_The lair began to shake_

_It almost fell apart_

_All because of Blowhole's supersonic fart_

_Going down the driveway, driveway 64_

_Blowhole blew a big one, and blew us out the door_

_The world began to shake_

_And then it blew apart_

_All because of Blowhole's supersonic fart!_

Blowhole grew quite enraged. His face went entirely red, he was foaming slightly at the mouth, and he was cracking his nonexistent knuckles.

"HOW dare they!" he cried. "How dare they subject me to such humiliation!"

So, it was decided. He would cast his most evil revenge out on the penguins!


	9. REVENGE OF BLOWHOLE!

Meanwhile, the four penguins were cracking up so hard they failed to notice the sound of the latch coming open.

"Uh, Skipper, what was that?" asked Private. He turned around, only to find Blowhole's tail coming down the ladder.

"Oh Neptune no!" cried Skipper, his face turning the color of oatmeal.

Blowhole appeared in front of them. He seemed so dangerous in his anger the penguins dared not do anything.

"I know what you did," Blowhole said softly.

"What did we do?" asked Private.

"Don't play coy with me. I saw you posted two videos of me blowing a building up and one with your stupid song. I did not ask for it, and frankly my issues are none of your business," Blowhole stated.

"Bladadabladaba!" cried Rico, as if to say 'I didn't do it!'

"Don't lie to me, Rico. You and all your friends-" but before he finished his sentence he unleashed a tremendous fart the shattered all of Kowalski's beakers.

"Oops, meant to save that for you, Skipper," Blowhole said over Kowalski's moans of "Oh Neptune damn it, another set of beakers gone!"

"Oh really?" asked Skipper. "Well, Dr. Fartsalot, let's see what you got!"

Unfortunately, Skipper learnt very quickly that he had made the biggest mistake of his life. Blowhole began to drive backwards until Skipper was squished against the wall, and positioned his body so his tail was covering his face.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" bellowed Skipper. "NOT THE DUTCH OVEN!"

"It is not necessarily the Dutch Oven," Blowhole stated, "But rather my own version."

With that, Blowhole squeezed himself with all his might, and a series of mighty, 20 second, very smelly farts reverberated through the lair, shaking everything off the walls. Eventually, with an apocalyptic fart that decimated the HQ, Blowhole dusted his flippers off.

"Not bad," he purred to himself. "Considering I never really used my gas on the Penguins before. Not bad at all." And with that, he left the penguins lying in the rubble, a look of surprise seeming to be everlastingly glazed over Skipper's eyes.


	10. Is it Over Yet?

Blowhole returned home from the HQ, feeling more chipper than he had ever been in his life. He finally got rid of the Penguins for good...

...or did he?

Either way, he took care of them for the present. He went to his computer and happily typed up a 'good news' email to all his staff that he wiped out the penguins, but he daren't tell them how, for that could really embarrass him. Suddenly, when he got off, his tummy gave a massive rumble and a low-pitched whistle.

"Oh, come now," moaned Blowhole. "MORE gas?!"

Unbeknownst to our villain, it would be the worst cheese he would have ever cut in his life. He drove to the bathroom, lifted his tail, and let it out.

_**VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTT!**_

This fart made the entire world shake at first, and then with a reverberating BLAMMO, everything was wiped off the planet in a...well...gust of wind. People were blown off the planet as easily as leaves on a tree, and overall everything was epically demolished, all except for one intrepid reporter.

"This is Chuck Charles speaking, the world has literally come to an end...oh heck. Why in the world am I broadcasting this when there is no one to broadcast too?!" with that, he threw down the mike and left.

Blowhole rose from the rubble with a very cheesy grin on his face. The good news: the gas was gone. The bad news: THE WORLD WAS ALL HIS! Yes, all his, as Dr. Blowhole's adorable evil laugh rang through the empty atmosphere.

**THE END?**


End file.
